How can I not have anger in my heart anymore? How can I have forgiven Wesley so easily after all the pain he has put me through?
Its been a month since we've split now and it seems we are completely done now for good. He is still with the new chick - which boils my blood - and he hasn't come around - again - to reconcile. I think he has given up and accepted I won't take him back.
So it appears that 3 years and nearly 3 months meant absolutely nothing to him ~ how dandy! I thought he loved me. My view on love now needs a serious re-evaluation because clearly I don't know what love is anymore.
How can he just forget me, forget us? How can he leave me alone and 7 months pregnant?
How can he even be with somebody else so soon after me?
The last time I saw him, he says: "Amy I love you and I know you love me too. I can see you love me. Don't give up on us, take me back...?"
I'm thinking: How can I take you back?
You have taken no responsibility for our precious baby. You have given me no support. Hurt my feelings so many times. Disappointed me again and again. Lied to me. How can I trust anything he is saying?
and yet...I still love this guy, insanely a lot.
Still want him in my life. Still want to have him look into my eyes, kiss me, hold me, love me.
I know I deserve better! Fucking hell, I'm magnificent. A good woman.
Sweet. Loyal. Smart. Funny. Pretty.
and yet...
I want him. Only him. It's always been about him.
His been the only one in every aspect :(
Fuck! Days like these hurt.oh.so.bad!
but on I plod.
I've taken the first step in recognising the truth and leaving him - kudos to me -
and I stood my ground when he came crawling back like they said he would.
But still!
Hope is dangerous, especially to the human heart.
Hope is making me see things that will never happen.
He won't change.
(But ironically, if I think about it, he did change.
He wasn't like this in the beginning. Not through-out our three years either.
It's like after I got pregnant, he suddenly just didn't give a fuck.
How does this happen? What am I missing?
What didn't I see?
